


Cryptid Dating Services

by Skippyin, TFLatte



Series: Tales of the Stateran Forest (Monster AU) [4]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, kravitz is good at his job you guys are just mean, prequel to how monsters are made, this wasn't supposed to involve nearly as much taako&lucretia friendship as it did but i'm weak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-04-26 08:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14398611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skippyin/pseuds/Skippyin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TFLatte/pseuds/TFLatte
Summary: Everything gets really complicated when you turn yourself into a giant magical monster. Dating included. Sometimes, though, that's not a bad thing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi yes this was absolutely inevitable and you all knew it would happen eventually.
> 
> Also, I feel I should mention that much of the twins' body language is based off of cats. You know. Might be relevant. At some point.

“You know, one of these days, we’re going to have our little wine-and-whine session at my place, Lucy.” Taako put his feet up on the bed, tilting his chair back on two legs.

“Not likely. I don’t want to trip over all the stuff you keep collecting from adventurers.” Lucretia crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. “You know we have access to extradimensional storage space, right? Like, that’s a thing that’s been true for basically forever.”

“It’s fine, I have a system.” Taako waved it off. “Besides, I get to see it all and feel smug all the time. It’s great.”

Lucretia laughed, pouring herself another glass. “Are we sure the Light didn’t make you a dragon? You’re well on your way to a hoard,” she remarked lightly. “Soon we won’t even be able to see your floor.” Taking a sip of her wine, she continued “So what’s our topic for today? I vote for these assholes who keep coming into the forest when they don’t even know about the Light.”

“Wine-and-whine isn't a democracy, Lucy.” Taako took a swig from his glass. “Today’s topic: these assholes who keep coming into the forest when they don’t even know about the Light. Like, _yeah_ there’s a super powerful god glowstick hanging out in here but it’s not like you know that! Get out! This is where we _live_.”

“Right? It’s like, you won’t stop talking about how _terrifying_ we are but you also won’t stop barging into our forest. Have you considered: _not_?”

“Not everyone can be masters of their fields like us, but holy shit.” Taako relaxed back into his chair. “Maybe don’t go into Monster Woods? Have you _considered_ that _option_?”

Lucretia shook her head. “ _Adventurers_ ,” she sighed. “Can they chill for one single week? Just one?”

“You know what else sucks?” Taako pointed at her. “Our _only contact_ with the _outside world_ is these chucklefucks. My entire social life is six people, and I can’t get away from them except on fucking nature walks.”

“Ugh, I know. We’re stuck in here.” Lucretia refilled her glass, then leaned over to fill Taako’s. “For once I’d like to talk to someone whose terrible disgusting habits I don’t know intimately. That’d be nice.”

Taako took a gulp. “You know what else would be nice? Having a dating pool again. Two old guys, a guy who’s _going_ to be dating my sister, and a guy who’s basically my brother. Talk about limited options.”

Lucretia snorted loudly, cast Enlarge on her wineglass, and chugged the whole thing. “Oh, do you want to _go there_ , Taako? Do you want to have this _conversation_? Because we can have this fuckin’ conversation.” Her lips twitched upwards. “You want to trade places?”

Taako’s ears twitched, and his tail swung around to steal the wine bottle. “You know, I think I’m good, but thanks for the offer.”

“Yeah, that’s fair. At least she’s not my sister, Barry or no Barry.” Lucretia held out a hand for the bottle and Taako just reached over and emptied what was left into her glass. She held it up to him in a silent toast before taking another sip.

At that point, there was a crash and a roar from outside, and both their heads snapped up. Day drinking forgotten, they raced outside to a scene of chaos.

The dragon snarled, acid spraying from its jaws out into the clearing. Magnus recoiled, narrowly evading it, and at a word from Lucretia, a shield snapped into place between Lup and the dragon, the acid splashing harmlessly across the dome and sizzling on the ground. The dragon leapt into the air, and the shield disappeared, letting both Lup and Barry give chase. Between their fire, Taako’s missiles from below, and the trees grappling it to keep it in Magnus’ range, it took only a few rounds before the dragon crashed to the ground, leaving a deep pit in the middle of camp. For a second, the dirt thrown up by the impact seemed almost to glow, strangely silvery - and then the dust settled, and all was normal again.

Magnus strolled over and poked the dragon with his axe a few times. It didn’t move. The ground underneath it continued to sizzle gently as acid dripped from its teeth.

“That makes, what, four bad guys in two weeks? We’re popular, guys.” Lup dropped back to the ground, perching on the dragon’s flank in between a pair of axe wounds.

“On the bright side, we’re all getting better at using our, uh, everything,” Magnus remarked, flexing. “Six years in and we’re finally getting the hang of it. That’s practically competent.”

“Ten, Magnus. Ten years.”

“Really? Huh. Time flies, am I right?”

Barry leaned over the dragon’s head. “Is it me or have all the monsters that have attacked us lately had the same soul?”

“You’re the one with soul-o-vision, Barold,” Lup leaned over Barry’s shoulder, not seeming to notice how his red glow deepened as she did. “You’d know better than we would.”

“ _Are_ they the same, or just similar? I can’t imagine the kind of creatures that would come hunting us are all that different on a soul level. They have to be pretty similar if they all come here to attack us,” Lucretia said thoughtfully as she and Taako levitated the dead dragon to take it out of camp.

“Hm. Maybe.” Barry frowned thoughtfully, looking at the dragon. Then he shook his head and turned to help tow the dragon away.

* * *

 Some distance away from the camp, a silver orb of light emerged from hiding and took form again, limbs and head fading back into existence. Kravitz shook himself and glared in the direction of his bounties, their souls still burning as infuriatingly strongly as ever. Four times, now - four! This was _unprecedented_ , especially for him. Then again, so was magic that even the Raven Queen couldn’t identify - it was no wonder she’d chosen him for this mission. He’d wonder if it was his choice of monsters, but he’d even gotten his hands on a full-sized earth elemental last time and they’d _still_ managed to beat him, in the middle of a _forest._ Unbelievable.

Kravitz was a patient man - he had been when he’d been alive, and dying had only made him more so - but this was really getting on his nerves. At this point, the rich bounties for such flagrant illegal immortality weren’t even the point. It was a matter of _principle_.

Okay, so taking them all on at once, even through powerful monsters, wasn’t working. Fine. He’d just have to change his approach. Divide and conquer. He could do that. It would take longer, and the last couple bounties would be harder with their guards up, but he’d done this before.

The tree dwarf would be a good first target, Kravitz thought. A little forest fire would draw him out, and from there, easy peasy. He spun his scythe in one hand and nodded to himself, satisfied. It had been a while since he captured a bounty in his own form anyway, he was about due for it.

* * *

 “Anyone else smell that?” Magnus looked up from inspecting an acid hole in the wall of Lucretia’s house.

“Smell what?” Davenport glanced up from the crater in the middle of camp.

“Like...kind of like syrup? I think?” Magnus frowned, sniffing the air again. “Is Lup making pancakes?”

Davenport shook his head. “Lup’s on patrol. Ta-“He broke off mid-call as something came crashing towards the camp. Magnus grabbed his axe, but Davenport’s attention was drawn to the trees. They’d started shivering, stretching away from the camp, branches reaching down, and as understanding hit him he lost all coherence of form. “Merle!”

The plants were helping him stumble into camp, and when he emerged from them he nearly fell over before Davenport rushed over to support him, Magnus right on his heels.

“Holy shit - Merle, your _arm_!” Magnus gasped. It was burned up to the elbow and still smoking. “What happened?”

“Some fuckin’ weirdo came outta nowhere and attacked me!”

“Just one guy?” Magnus blinked.

“Hey, I was distracted, okay? The guy started a fire, the plants were freaking out, and my arm is burned to _shit_ , can we focus on that?” Merle jabbed a burnt finger at Magnus, or tried to; his hand didn’t seem to want to cooperate, fingers twitching faintly and refusing to curl. He made an agonized sound, clutching at his arm.

Then it burst into flames.

Merle screamed. Davenport screamed. Magnus screamed. Merle flapped his arm around wildly, fanning the flames as he looked for something to extinguish them.

“It’s spreading!” Davenport shouted, yanking off his jacket and trying in vain to beat the fire out. “Magnus-“

“I got it!” Magnus seized the axe from his back, grabbed Merle’s burning arm with his free hand, and brought the axe down in one swift motion. As the arm hit the ground Magnus immediately stamped on it, smothering the flames, and then yelped and stuck his burned paw in his mouth, ears pinned back as he let out a muffled whine.

Davenport and Merle stared at the arm on the ground, crushed to pieces of charcoal.

“That wasn’t... _quite_ what I was hoping for.”

“You _cut_ my _arm_ off!”

“It was on fire! There wasn’t any water!”

“ _You cut my arm off_!”

Davenport raised his voice, cutting off Magnus’ protest. “ _Okay_ , this wasn’t the ideal solution and we’re going to be _discussing_ it soon, but it’s done and we’d better get inside and figure out what we need to do next.” That said, he herded both Merle and Magnus into the dining room. Merle kept glaring.

“Okay, Merle, let’s start at the beginning. What happened?”

“I was out on my nature walk, you know, just visiting the plants, they get antsy if I go too long without seeing them-“

“I know, Merle, you don’t need to explain this part, it’s not a police statement. I just need to know about who attacked you,” Davenport sighed.

“I’m getting to it!” Merle protested. “Anyway they all started freaking out telling me there was a fire and I went to go, you know, take care of it but when I got there this weird guy in a suit stepped out of nowhere? He knew my name and told me I did some kinda death crimes and he was here to collect and attacked me.” Merle shrugged. “We fought but the forest woke up and got involved. The trees started grabbing at him and when the thorns came out he must’ve took off. To be honest I was a little distracted trying to put out the fire. It wasn’t that big but I fell into it and my arm caught. Guess it just smoldered until I got here and it lit up again. Thank Pan it wasn’t my _head_ though, because I guess Magnus would’ve _cut that off too_ -“

“YOU WERE _ON FIRE_!”

* * *

 Kravitz silently tracked the former elf’s soul through the trees. Okay, so the giant dwarf hadn’t gone as planned, but in his defense he couldn’t have been expected to know that the forest would react quite so _violently_ when he attacked. Or to grow such enormous thorns so quickly. He’d be ready for that this time.

Fortunately, he couldn’t see any reason this bounty would give him any similar trouble. His reconnaissance hadn’t turned up any weird connection to plants, so there was that. If he could get this Taako to burn his high-level spell slots it would be smooth sailing from there.

Taako strolled back down the path from the Light, casually spinning his wand in one hand. This whole situation was _weird_ , and Davenport was worried it was some kind of bizarre cover for someone who’d been caught up in the lure, so he’d sent Taako to check on it, Stone of Farspeech handy in case he needed backup. There was nothing new, though, and he’d passed that along before heading back.

He was just stepping off the path back into the wilderness when he heard someone clear their throat overhead. Taako stopped and looked up to see a handsome man in a suit holding a scythe bigger than he was. He was glaring down at Taako and tapping his foot against a branch.

“So. Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”

Taako gave him a long look and grinned. “Well, usually I prefer to go on a date first-“His grin widened at the face that earned him.

“I _meant_ are you going to let me do my job and kill you!”

Yeah, he’d kind of expected that. “I mean...no? No. I’m gonna go with ‘no’ on that one.”

He sighed. “Of course, they never do come quietl-!” He squawked as Taako turned the tree he was perched in to ice - Merle could yell at him for that later - and he slipped off, narrowly catching himself with some kind of levitation and glowering at Taako from eye level.

“Cool aesthetic you’ve got going on, by the way, you and my future brother-in-law would have _so_ much to talk about with that goth thing.”

He cleared his throat. “Sorry, I try to keep things _professional_ with my bounties.”

“Well, that’s no fun.”

The guy sucked in a deep breath, glare intensifying, before lifting a hand and summoning a thick book into it. It fell open to a page and he started to recite, barely glancing at the paper. “Taako Taaco, you stand guilty of using unknown arcana to unnaturally evade death-“

“Now hold on, you get to know my name and I don’t get yours? That doesn’t seem fair.”

“...It’s Kravitz- do you even _understand_ how serious this is?”

“Probably not, but I wouldn’t take it seriously even if I did, so,” Taako shrugged.

Kravitz pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ll keep it simple: you and your friends are a problem, and _I’m_ the one the Raven Queen sent to deal with it.” He lifted his scythe again, taking a two-handed grip as the book snapped shut and vanished. “Now if you’d be so kind as to hold still and let me reap your soul, I’d like to have at least _one_ of your bounties accounted for.”

Taako’s ears pinned back against his head. “Oh shit - you’re the grim reaper?”

“You’re only figuring this out _now_?!”

“Listen, a lot of people come to kill us, you know? Some dude with a suit and a scythe says more ‘adventurer with an aesthetic’ than ‘literal personification of death.’” Taako shrugged.

Kravitz huffed irritably, taking a step forward and lifting the scythe. “This is a waste of time. Stop stalling-“

“Who, whoa, hold on, let’s keep this ball rolling.” Taako stepped back, holding up a finger. “You said unknown magics, right? Don’t you want to know what they are? Come on, you can’t tell me you’re not at least a _little_ curious.”

Kravitz gave him a suspicious look through narrowed eyes, one long finger tapping against the scythe handle. Taako had just decided to open with Evard’s Black Tentacles when he sighed. “Fine. You have _five_ minutes, and then I take your soul.”

“Cool, cool, so we saved the world.”

“...Excuse me?”

“Well- oh, shit, wait, do the words Light of Creation mean anything to you?”

“Light of- it sounds familiar,” Kravitz said slowly, and Taako grinned.

“Guess being death has perks, huh? Great, so, you remember those big wars about ten years back?”

“Vividly.” Kravitz grimaced.

“Yeah, that was the Light doing its thing - anyway, the seven of us decided to stop it so we figured out we could take the Light and use it to turn ourselves into - well, this.” Taako waved a hand at himself. “Ch’boy used to be a gorgeous elf, not a gorgeous monster, y’know? The living forever was kind of a side effect.”

“Immortality was a side effect.” Kravitz didn’t sound convinced.

“Anyway,” Taako said quickly, “The whole point was to like, drain off its power so it couldn’t get the whole world fighting over it anymore, and then we wiped the world’s memory so nobody remembered it existed, and we have to stay here being our badass monster selves to keep this going.” Taako shrugged, leaning nonchalantly against the nearest tree.

“This is all a very _elaborate_ way to tell me I can’t kill you.” _Super_ not convinced.

“Hey, look, I’m not gonna lie and tell you I don’t _want_ to live, but this is legit. I mean, it’s kind of elaborate for a line of bullshit, right?”

“You’d be surprised, actually,” Kravitz muttered, before giving Taako a long, thoughtful look. “But, weirdly, I _don’t_ think you’re lying.” He lowered the scythe.

“Cool, so are we off the hook then? Bounties lifted?”

“That’s _way_ above my pay grade, but consider this a reprieve. I have to report this back to the Raven Queen and wait for her ruling. You should know, though - if she rules against you she’ll probably strike you all down herself. Not a pretty picture.”

Taako paused. “And what happens if she rules for us?”

“Well, then we won’t have a problem anymore, will we?” Kravitz smirked, and Taako couldn’t help noticing his canines were just a little bit pointed. He lifted the scythe again and tore a hole in nothing, stepping through.

Then, a second later, he leaned back through the rift in reality. “For the record, though, I would’ve won. Bye!” He disappeared before Taako could respond and Taako glared after him.

“ _Horseshit_! _Merle_ beat you!” As he shouted after Kravitz, he realized his tail had been twitching the whole time. He wondered if Kravitz had noticed.

* * *

 “The _grim reaper_?” Davenport looked distinctly concerned.

“Yup, that’s what he said. I mean he wasn’t all skeletal, but he had the robe and scythe and weird magic going on, so I bought it.” Taako propped his elbows on the table.

“No one’s going out alone until this is resolved,” Davenport announced. “Did he say how long it would take?”

Taako shook his head. “No idea. I mean, a god has to be pretty quick on the draw, though, right?”

Merle, his new stump wrapped in a leaf poultice, shrugged. “If it was Pan I’d say yeah, of course, but who knows about the Raven Queen?”

“Maybe.” Davenport frowned. “Stick together, I _mean_ it. I can’t see what good lying and coming back to attack one of us again would do, but I don’t want us taking any chances.” He pushed away from the table, flowing down to the floor. “Merle, Lucretia, with me. We’ll check the wards again.”

The minute they were gone Lup draped herself over Taako’s shoulder. “So, the reaper has a real face, huh?”

“Don’t let _Barold_ hear you say that, he’ll mope that you don’t think _he_ has a real face.”

Lup swatted Taako’s ear. “Shut up - anyway, the point was, exactly how hot do you think Death is?”

“I’m going to fight you in real life.”

“What, so you can see the hot reaper again?”

Taako pulled Lup’s tail. She smacked him with it. “Eleven out of ten.”

“Oh _really_?” She grinned.

“Yeah. Maybe not skeletal enough for _you_ , but-”

“Fuck _off_!”

* * *

 A few days later, Barry’s sudden shout of “Uh, guys, we’ve got company!” drew the rest of them out of their homes just in time to see a robed skeleton vanish his scythe and hold up a hand as Barry reached for his wand.

“No need to get riled up, I’m not here to collect today.” Taako’s ears pricked up at that _terrible_ accent. Kravitz’ face reformed over his skull, pale bony fingers turning dark again as skin reappeared.

Barry eyed him, shifting slightly. Taako noted he was in between Kravitz and Lup. “You’ve been trying to _kill us_ for weeks.”

“Be fair, that’s literally my job.” Kravitz looked around, eyes landing on Taako. Taako wiggled his fingers in a wave, ignoring Lup’s tail insistently nudging him. Kravitz cleared his throat. “Well, aren’t you a lucky bunch. The Raven Queen has decided to let you live. Though I suppose it’s only natural, given who came forward to speak for you.”

“Speak for us?” Davenport watched Kravitz warily. “Was it Pan?”

“Istus, actually - which is weird, she’s normally a go-with-the-flow kind of deity, but apparently she had a talk with the Raven Queen, and she’s been keeping an eye on you all for a _while_ now. So have fun with that.”

“Istus? The goddess of _fate_? That Istus?”

“Never met another one.” Kravitz shrugged. “If you want to know why, try praying or something. I’m just the messenger. Congratulations, you’re off the hook - for this one, anyway. Just...watch the necromancy. You not dying is one thing. You messing with the dead is another.” He gave Barry a pointed look.

“Hey, don’t look at me when you say that! Just because I’m a skeleton doesn’t mean I’m reanimating the dead.”

“Yeah, that’s stereotyping. Not cool, reaper man,” Lup put in, tail twitching and ears pricked as she grinned over at Barry.

Kravitz looked up at the sky for a moment. “...Okay, well, moving on,” he said briskly. “That’s all I came to pass along: you’re officially pardoned, don’t do it again, and just say no to sacrificial daggers.” His scythe manifested again in his hand.

Taako waited until he was halfway through the rift, and then “Hey!” Kravitz popped his head back out, frowning. “So, we’re not your targets anymore, right?”

The frown deepened. “Well, no, that’s what this whole thing was ab- oh. Uh. _Oh_.” Confusion gave way to a small, hesitant smile and he cleared his throat. “I’ll...think about it.”

Taako grinned, and then immediately stopped when Lup slung her arm around his shoulder and cheered “Get it, bro!” He pushed her off as the rift closed.

“You couldn’t wait _two seconds_ -”

“Hey, I’m just saying, you weren’t kidding when you said eleven out of ten.”

“...Yeah, well, I have good taste, you know?”

Lup hummed, nodding. “He _is_ also a skeleton, though.”

“You don’t have a monopoly on goths, Lulu.”

Lup immediately stole Taako’s hat and took off as he yelled after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering, Kravitz picked the dragon because 1)it was a necromancer anyway and 2)aesthetic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only so much you can do on a date when one of you is a giant monster. Luckily, when your date is the Grim Reaper, your options expand a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost three months, hoo boy. Thank you all SO much for being so patient! Taako fought me this whole chapter and I'm glad to have it done with. I promise chapter 3 will come sooner than this!

Taako threw Lup’s door open and strode in, ignoring her indignant “ _Taako_!” as she looked up from Lucretia’s hair, half-braided with flowers of every color wound carefully into it. Lucretia turned her head slightly to regard him with one eye.

Lup glared. “Girls’ night is a  _sacred_   _institution_. Are you  _dying_?”

“Nope. But I did need to talk to you, and it can’t wait.” Taako plopped himself down in a chair. “So I heard from Kravitz again.”

Lup sat up, offense forgotten.  “ _Oh_?” She grinned at him, tail twitching. Lucretia didn’t move from her spot, but her eye remained fixed on him, head tilting just a tiny bit with interest, and she propped her chin on her hand.

“For confirmation, you mean the same Kravitz who works for the Raven Queen? The death bounty hunter? That Kravitz?”

“Do  _you_  know another Kravitz, Lucy?”

Lucretia gave him a long look, and then a sharp-toothed grin. “You know, Taako, having a thing for short guys is one thing, but don’t you think a third your height is pushing it a little?” Lup, ears and tail pricked, turned her head to watch Taako, as intent as if it was a tennis match.

Taako lazily flipped both of them off. “You know what, Luc? You wanna go there? You’re just jealous because where are  _you_  gonna find a girl taller than you now?”

Lucretia clutched at her chest with a shocked gasp as Lup let out a delighted cackle. “I can’t believe you would call me out like this, me, who’s always supported you. I thought we were friends, Taako.”

“I don’t have friends.” Taako’s tail twitched, ears pricked.

She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Yeah, okay. Seriously though, good luck. He seems - well, he kept trying to kill us so I can’t say nice, exactly, but, you know. He’s certainly handsome?”

Taako shrugged. “Lot of people try to kill us, Lucy. Kravitz is chill. So, if I could just borrow that one bracelet of yours for the evening, complete my look-“

“ _Oh_ no, you’re not getting another of my bracelets, you  _never_  give them back-“

“Come on, I'll give it back this time!”

“You said that  _last_  time too.”

“He has a whole stash of stolen jewelry,” Lup put in. Taako kicked her as Lucretia raised her eyes to the ceiling.

“Dig something out of _that_!”

“Come on,” He dragged the word out. “Tell you what, I’ll ask him if he knows any cute lady grim reapers, get him to put in a good word for you,” he cajoled, wiggling his eyebrows at her. Lup perked up, ears twitching towards Lucretia.

Lucretia narrowed her eyes at him, watching him for a long moment. “... _And_  you give it back as soon as you come back from your date.”

“Deal!” Taako grinned.

“O- _kay_ , now that that’s dealt with,” Lup clapped her hands with a grin, tail twitching, “Luc, give me my brush and the hairspray. I’ve got  _work_  to do, and only a couple days to figure it out.”

Taako sat back as Lup got started, and Lucretia passed her the tools she demanded.

“Probably don’t talk too much about the whole defying-death thing,” Lucretia remarked thoughtfully, leaning back against the wall.

“Really, Luce? I thought I’d give him a play-by-play of all the deaths I’m now immune to.” Taako rolled his eyes. “Any other nuggets of wisdom you wanna share?”

“Don’t stab him with your horns by accident,” Lucretia retorted.

“But on purpose is okay?” Lup asked.

“Yeah. You do it by accident, you’re just a clumsy weirdo. You do it on purpose, though, you’re a  _rebel_  who doesn’t play by society’s  _rules_  of  _not stabbing people_. He did agree to go on a date with a death criminal. Maybe he likes bad boys.”

Taako snorted. “ _Lucretia_.”

“If a rival tries to challenge you for him, prove your superiority as a mate by beating them in a rap battle.”

“You’re the worst human being to ever live. I wish the Raven Queen had smited - smote - smitten you.”

“Fluff up your hair so you look bigger and more able to protect him from predators.” He didn’t say anything to that, just threw a pillow into her face as she laughed. Lup blocked Lucretia’s return volley with her wing and Taako gave Lucretia a smug look. She stuck her tongue out at him and he settled back, relaxing as Lup fussed over him.

* * *

The day came and Taako had to chase Lup away before she stopped teasing him about giving Kravitz the shovel talk. Taako was definitely not pacing, no matter what anyone said, he was  _organizing_  his  _house_  and you could tell because occasionally he’d stop walking back and forth, pick something up, then put it back exactly where it had been. Definitely organizing. This was what organizing looked like.

There was a knock at the door, and after a second he waved a hand and a Mage Hand opened it for Lucretia. She took one look at him and nodded.

“What’s that for?”

“The outfit. It’s a good one.” She gave him another appraising look. “Lup did good on your hair, too.”

“I mean, it’s me, I don’t have a bad look. I could start a war with my bedhead.”

A smile tugged at one side of Lucretia’s mouth. “Of course. Still, you’re missing something, aren’t you?” She tossed him the promised bracelet and he caught it one-handed, spinning it around a finger and then letting it slide over his hand and onto his wrist.

“Thanks, Luc.”

“Just give it back after. I mean it.” Lucretia patted his shoulder. “And knock him dead. But, uh, not literally.”

Kravitz found Taako not far outside of camp, stepping out of a rift at Taako’s feet, and in the back of his head he could hear the girls snickering as Kravitz looked up at him and cleared his throat awkwardly. “So, uh...what’s the plan, here?”

A plan would probably have been a good idea, now that he thought about it. “I mean, I figured we just, you know, go for a walk? See what happens from there?” Taako shrugged. “There’s not a whole lot of options in the middle of the woods. You know how it is.”

“I really don’t,” Kravitz muttered, and Taako wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear it, but he just nodded. “Okay. That sounds good.”

They were both silent for a while, till Kravitz cleared his throat. “So, uh...hm. ...How’s your friend? The tree dwarf?”

“Huh? Oh, Merle? He’s fine. Turns out his arms grow back.”

“...huh. Well, that’s...convenient. For him, at least.”

“I know, right? He wouldn’t let Barry plant the one Magnus cut off and see what grew though. And the plants won’t let us dig it back up, _and_ they ratted on us when we tried.”

Kravitz stared at him for a second.

“What? Like you wouldn’t be curious?”

“ _Why_?”

“Hey! You set him on fire, reaper man, you don’t get to talk shit.”

"Well, I suppose-" Kravitz stopped, then shook his head and his voice changed. "Listen, do you mind if I drop the accent? I do it for work and it's really weird to do it when I'm not actually on the job-"

"Yeah, sure, homie, that's fine." Taako dropped his voice low enough to hurt his throat. "As long as you let me drop mine too." Kravitz chuckled and Taako smirked. “So you have to do accents for the job? Seems like a weird requirement.”

”Oh, well, no, it’s just something I like to do. Just a fun little character trait to pass the time.”

”A little drama to...kill time?”

Kravitz paused, then chuckled. “Well, I used to want to be a conductor, so I suppose it’s appropriate.” He cleared his throat. "I have to admit, this is sort of unusual. Was there anywhere in particular you were planning to go?"

"Nah, I figured we'd just see where the wind takes us. Except there's not a lot of wind here with all the trees, so, maybe where the gentle breeze takes us."

"Well, I suppose that's as good a plan as any. Lead the way."

Taako immediately regretted the "nature walk" plan. He wanted something to do with his hands so badly they twitched - something to give them a conversation starter that wasn't "so how about that immortality thing" or talking about his friends - ten years of being around no one but them, this was too good an opportunity to get some _space_ to waste it talking about them. Casting around, he seized on a topic. "So, how's the bounty hunting going?"

"As well as ever, really, there's always more, you know how it is - well, no, you don't, do you-"

"Nope."

"Well, it's, uh, it's steady. Really good job security for sure."

"That's good, that's good." The silence was somehow more awkward now. "So...know any good celebrity gossip? Literally anything from less than a decade ago?"

"I haven't actually been around for-"Kravitz suddenly fell silent, turning on his heel. One ear twitched as he listened. Just as his expression turned grim, Taako heard an animal shriek panic, and his tail stiffened.

“Oh. Well. That’s not great.”

“Necromancy. I can  _smell_  it.”

“Really? What’s it smell like?”

Kravitz gave him a look.

“...Alright, jeez, just asking. You brought it up.”

“...I did do that. You’re not wrong. I can’t actually smell it, that was just a fun little bit of theatrics for you.”

“Nice. So what, you call up Hell HQ and tell them to come deal with this?”

"Hell H- No, I deal with this. I'm here, and who knows what they'll do between now and when they're stopped." 

"Never off duty, huh? I guess I can respect that." Taako reached up into his hat and pulled out his wand. “Then let’s go wreck shop.” He strolled in the direction of the scream.

“Wait, what?” Kravitz scrambled to catch up. “You’re not coming-”

“ _Please_ , necromancy might be your thing but I’m a  _forest guardian_.” Taako wiggled his fingers, rolling his eyes a little.“Getting rid of weirdoes is in the job description.” Then he grinned. “Besides, the nature walk isn’t so much my thing. Blasting some fools sounds  _way_  more my speed.”

Kravitz blinked. “...If you insist.” He reaches back and his scythe materialized in his hand as he brought it back around. Taako grinned and started walking again. Kravitz was practically jogging at his heel to keep up until he gave up and just started moving through rifts, one after another to keep teleporting ahead.

Taako twirled his wand in one hand and grinned to himself. This was already way more interesting than wandering around the woods trying to think of things to talk about. Besides, he'd be able to show off to Kravitz this way. Not that he didn't look fucking stunning, but maybe a grim reaper would be more into it if he strutted his magic stuff too and did some killing. 

A few minutes later, Kravitz stopped and held up a fist. Taako nearly stepped on him.

"Ow!" Kravitz hissed, turning around and crossing his arms. "What was that?"

"What was  _what_? You gotta tell me if you're gonna stop like that, my man."

"I  _did_  - oh, never mind. We're close, so we need to be stealthy. Can you do that, with your whole, uh..."he gestured to Taako in general.

Taako snorted. "You're on a date with  _Taako_ , not Magnus. Of course I can do that." He strolled past Kravitz, flicking his tail at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kravitz jump back, looking startled, then hurry after him. 

The necromancers were very close, and Taako heard them before he saw them, low droning chants that made him yawn widely. God, if they wanted to sacrifice people, all they had to do was knock them out with some of that and they'd sleep right through the blood rituals. Taako levitated himself up into the canopy to get closer to the action, leaning out along one branch that would never have held his actual weight to see the clearing full of people. Mostly human and gnomes, a couple elves, even a tiefling, he noticed. Diversity in death cults. There were boxes around the area, some covered and several filled with jars containing various nasty-looking substances. In the middle there was a gray stone slab carved with runes - Taako could see the telltale signs of transmutation and shook his head. If you were going to come into the spooky monster forest to do your weird rituals, you could at least splurge on obsidian. Lazy. 

Below him he saw Kravitz emerge from another rift, and his face fell away to bone as Taako watched appreciatively. Most men couldn't pull off the skeletal look, but Kravitz had the cheekbones for it. Sitting up, Taako pulled up a knee to rest his arm across it and observe as Kravitz took a step forward, reconsidered, then opened a rift that took him directly into the middle of the action.

There was an instant of absolute stillness, and Kravitz took out a book from nowhere. It fell open in his hand, and he glanced down at it, then around at the cultists. Then he nodded and snapped it shut with a decisive, somehow final, sound, and that broke the spell. One of the elves grabbed for a wand and pointed it, ice erupting from the tip of it and catching several fellow cultists in his panic. Kravitz barely looked in his direction as he spun his scythe and caught the blast, shielding himself. Some of the group scattered, others ran for weapons or items. As Taako watched, Kravitz brought down two of them and with a final swing of his scythe, plucked silver orbs from their stunned bodies, which went limp the instant the light was removed. Each one vanished into a miniature rift Kravitz opened and closed deftly behind them.

It was pretty fucking sweet to watch, although after a minute Kravitz looked around and the red glow in his eye sockets flickered. "Taako? I don't  _mind_ doing this myself, but I thought you wanted to make it a c- uh, a group activity?" he called. One cultist yelped a confused protest before Kravitz slammed the butt of his scythe into her solar plexus and snatched her soul as the wind left her.

"Yeah, sure, I'm coming." Taako vaulted off the branch and remembered to end Levitate just before he went floating off back into the trees. Instead he landed neatly behind one of the necromancers and his tail whipped around to wrap around his neck and crackle with electricity. He screamed and Taako casually shoved him into Kravitz's waiting grasp. That cleared the area around Taako as a number of screaming cultists scattered, now caught between death and a monster. A high-level Evard's would've gotten hold of all the cultists, but Taako reluctantly decided against it - Kravitz was in the radius too. Not that he wasn't totally down for it, but tentacling his date without asking sounded like a great way to not get a second date. Instead he went for Hold Person instead, blowing a few more spell slots but catching the stragglers before they could get too far. Kravitz gave him an approving nod.

Taako, eyeing the potential loot around, took a second and picked up a jar of red stuff by his foot. He held it up. "Hey Krav, check it out - if you can't bleed your own sacrifice, store-bought is fine."

Kravitz snorted, slicing through another cultist and catching their soul on the way out. "Depends on who you ask."

"Hey, not everyone has the time to go out and kidnap their own humanoid sacrifices. The modern cultist is a busy person, you know?"

"Better than I'd like."

" _Die!"_ shrieked a cultist, firing a crossbow at Taako. The shot winged his hat and stuck in a tree behind him. He immediately grabbed the hat and turned it over in his hands, checking for damage. 

Satisfied the hat was unharmed, Taako replaced it carefully on his head, noting Kravitz's stare. Then he shook his head at the cultist as she frantically tried to reload. "Now that's just  _rude_." Three Magic Missiles knocked her backwards into a tree and Kravitz plucked her soul out of her chest and shook his head.

"Do you always stop mid-fight to check your accessories?"

"Oh, like I didn't see you thinking about what the coolest way to make an entrance would be."

"...No comment." Kravitz turned away as Taako flicked a wrist and knocked back a gnome that had been charging him with a shortsword in each hand. Then he heard a shout and looked back in time to see Kravitz's scythe come down on a hand clutching a diamond that glowed in every color of the rainbow, sparkles of light flickering out in Taako's direction. The sphere that had begun to grow from it like a bubble popped. Kravitz reversed his swing to finish off the wizard, then looked up at Taako and - well, he was a skull, he was always smiling, but the lights in his eyes seemed to soften.

The cultists who'd been able to put up a fight had been wiped out, and Kravitz began making his way around to collect on the various paralyzed necromancers, whistling casually as some cursed and some pleaded and some tried to play dead.

"...You're, uh, you're really used to this, huh?"

"I've been doing it for about a thousand years, so, yeah, pretty much," Kravitz said over his shoulder. Taako shrugged and went to start poking through crates and bags.

"Let me know if you find any good loot. I've got a collection at home."

"A collection?"

"That's what I said." Taako emerged from a bag with a small handful of coins and dropped them into a pocket. "I figure, we chase enough people out of the forest, I might as well get something out of it."

"Job satisfaction isn't enough, huh?"

"Is it enough for you? ...Actually, what does death buy with his paychecks, anyway? If you're a bounty hunter you've gotta get paid something."

"My recompense is mostly in time off - free time to visit the planes that aren't full of dead people. I do tend to let it build up though. I will admit, I find the work itself very satisfying."

"Aw, bet you're employee of the month every month."

Kravitz cleared his throat and didn't answer.

"...Wait, are you?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

"Careful, Krav, I like a challenge."

In a covered cage besides the ritual stone, Taako found a bird. He wasn't completely sure what it was, but it was big and black, with a white face, and it started croaking dire threats as soon as he took the sheet off the cage.

"Whoa, hey, settle down," he grunted. "Me and the skeleman over there are on your side. I think? Probably. We're not sacrificing you, is what I mean."

"Taako, what - oh,  _hell_. I should've guessed." Kravitz hurried to the cage as soon as he saw the bird, skin reforming over his skull. "Don't worry, they're finished. It’s all over," he told the bird, and it’s feathers began to smooth.

"What, you can talk to birds? Is that a secret perk of being a reaper?"

"Not birds, just sacred ravens-"Kravitz stepped back and swung the scythe straight down, shearing the front of the cage off, then offered an arm. The raven hopped onto it and Kravitz lifted it out effortlessly. "There. I'll tell Her what happened," he added. The raven croaked again, ran its beak through Kravitz's dreadlocks - his eyes darted to Taako, looking pained - then took off with a storm of flapping wings, disappearing.

"Friend of yours?"

"No, uh, white-faced ravens are sacred to the Raven Queen."

"Is that why it groomed you and called you a nice boy?"

"Wh- you cannot  _possibly_  know that."

"Secret perk of being a Taako: talking to animals." He grinned. "Also, you just told me."

Kravitz made a face and brushed at his hair. "Sometimes, the term "mother hen" becomes a little too close to literal for my taste."

"The Chicken Queen sounds like the goddess of cooking. Which, you know, I'd be totally down for, but it does lack a certain flair, you know?" Taako, loot acquired, and sacred bird rescued, turned and strolled back into the trees.

Kravitz rushed to catch up. "Where are you going?"

"Well, we're done here, and we still have the rest of the evening, right?"

"I, well, I should...well, that's true." Taako slowed his pace a little so Kravitz could keep up.

"Music or train?"

"What?"

"You said you wanted to be a conductor."

"Oh! Music, actually. Trains didn't exist back then."

"So you're into fancy music, huh?"

Kravitz smiled, and Taako was struck with a deep and embarrassing desire to make it happen again. "Any kind, really. Music was my passion, conducting was - or would have been - just a way to express it." He cleared his throat. “Taako, I'm sorry, I have to ask - why did you ask me here?”

“Well, like I said, there’s not a lot of nice restaurants around the Stateran - actually, there was that one a couple years back but it got swarmed by oozes opening night. I thought about fishing but the lake's got a huge sea serpent in it and Magnus would want to come wrestle him again-”

“You know what I meant.”

Taako looked away for a minute. His tail twitched rapidly back and forth until he deliberately flicked it forward and wrapped the tip around one wrist. When he looked back, he shrugged.

“You know, we’re both good-looking dudes, and I’m not exactly drowning in the dating pool out here, right? Kinda sucks, not gonna lie, but what are you gonna do?”

Kravitz’ frown deepened. “So - stop me if I’m getting too personal, but why would you...do this to yourself?” He gestured vaguely at Taako. “You didn’t just give up death, you gave up life too.”

Another long pause, then another shrug, and Taako spoke lightly. “Because I don’t know how to be alone.”

“That was...unexpectedly honest.” Kravitz tilted his head thoughtfully as he watched Taako.

“Hey, I’m just standing in my truth here. All the people I gave a shit about were going with or without me. What was I gonna do, stay put and wave goodbye? Hell no. So, here I am.”

“It doesn’t bother you? A transition that huge?”

“Nah, not since the group of us got used to it. Like, I could definitely pass on the creepy-voice-of-temptation thing but actually, the tail and horns and being huge is pretty fuckin’ cool, I’m not gonna lie. But I’m still kinda pissed Lup got wings and I didn’t. I’m still the best wizard in this party, though.”

"I see."

"Seriously, it's fine." Taako waved it off. "So, got any juicy stories about weird cultists?"

"...Well, maybe a few," Kravitz admitted. 

"So, dish?” Taako prompted

He laughed and obliged, and from there they moved easily to the Greatest Hits Of Taako Scaring Adventurers, and the conversation finally flowed naturally as the forest darkened and bats replaced birds, chasing fireflies in the darkness. Finally, Kravitz coughed delicately. "Well, I'm sorry to cut things short, but I have a pocket dimension full of criminal souls-"

"So,  _not_  just happy to see me."

Kravitz somehow managed to choke, despite having nothing in his throat but air and also not needing to breathe.

"Come on, you walked into that one."

"...I'm beginning to see this might be more of a challenge than I expected." Kravitz cleared his throat. "Still, I really do have to deal with this, though. Her Divinity doesn't like it when we leave souls in between too long. I had a lovely evening, Taako.” Kravitz smiled, open and honest and inviting.

“Right back at you, handsome.” Taako winked. “Oh, that reminds me, any chance you could introduce Lucretia to a nice reaper girl? I told her I’d ask.”

Kravitz blinked at him for a second. “...No, sorry. I don’t know any of them that well.”

“What, you don’t know your coworkers?”

“Not well enough to introduce your friend to them, no. We work alone, outside of, you know, apocalyptic scenarios.”

“Huh.” Taako looked thoughtful for a second. “...how well do you know the Raven Queen?” Kravitz spluttered wordlessly. Taako casually reached over to pat his back. “Hachi machi, you’re cold.”

“I - you - what exactly did you expect me to  _say_  to that?”

“It was worth a try. For someone with a mask for a face, Lucy has a serious kicked-puppy look, you don’t even know.” Taako stretched. “I should probably go too, before Lup decides I broke curfew and comes looking for us.”

“All right. I, ah, I suppose I’ll be calling you, then.” Kravitz smiled up at him, and Taako could see a hint of nervousness in his face. Then he stood up a little straighter and sliced open a rift. He stepped through it and emerged on the branch next to Taako to be on eye-level. “I really did have a lovely time. I hope I’ll see you again soon.”

"Of course you will. I'm  _Taako_."

Kravitz laughed. "Of course. Good night, Taako." Taako thought he saw Kravitz shift forward just a fraction, but then he straightened up and opened a rift, and this time when he stepped through he didn't reappear. Taako watched him go, head tilted, and suppressed a faint smile. He still didn't know if the plants could see him smiling, and he didn't completely trust Merle not to spy on his date through the plants. Lup wasn't above bribery.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angus gets a scare.

It was a beautiful day, and after promising he'd stay inside the wards - and agreeing to let Merle watch him through the plants, mostly because he knew Merle would do it whatever he said - Angus had gotten to go out on his own to wander through the trees. He knew the Stateran was, in theory, a terrifying place, full of monsters much crueler than his own and easy to get lost in. Here, though, within the protection of his family's neck of the very literal woods, it was also beautiful. The light that reached the mossy ground below was dappled and green from shining through the leaves above, strange flowers bloomed around him in a riot of color and life, and high overhead birds sang relentlessly. Angus smiled, pausing to look up as he tried to spot feathers - that might be one, or it might be a branch? There was a glimpse of red-

A strange tearing noise silenced the constant birdsong and made Angus' head whip around to look for it. Birds forgotten, he went to go investigate the noise. Creeping quietly through the brush, he pushed aside a few branches to see the source of the mysterious sound. It was, apparently, an elf-blooded man in a black cloak, which he carefully brushed a stray leaf off. Angus frowned. Someone being here alone was very unusual - even powerful adventurers traveled in parties.

What was more unusual, though, was how as Angus snuck closer, the man looked up, looked around, and then looked directly towards his hiding place, frowning. Angus tensed. Then, taking a deep breath, he emerged, picking a few leaves out of his hair, and the man stared, halfway through the process of opening his mouth to speak.

"...Hello."

"Hello, sir. Who are you?" The plants were watching, and Merle had put the fear of Pan into them after discovering they'd known about Angus sneaking out and hadn't told him. (Angus didn't think that was quite fair - he'd asked them not to tell, and they were plants. They weren't very smart.) He didn't have anything to worry about.

"My name is Kravitz," he said after a minute. 

"Why are you here?" Angus frowned. "Are you an adventurer?"

"Ah, well, no, actually, I'm- well, I'm a bounty hunter, and - wait a moment." Kravitz took a step forward. "You're Angus, aren't you? Angus McDonald?"

Angus jumped a full foot backwards into the safety of the trees, a miniature flame appearing in one hand as his whole body tensed. "I'm not going anywhere with you and you can't make me! A-and they can't pay you anymore anyway-"

"Whoa, whoa, hold on-"Kravitz held up his hands as Angus tried to scramble backwards without tripping and failed spectacularly. He yelped as he fell backwards, losing his focus on the flame - and then a hand of magic on his back steadied him before he could hit the ground. Angus looked up into a familiar blue face and sagged with relief.

"Taako!" As Taako dropped out of the tree he'd been lurking in, Angus righted himself and immediately ran behind him. "Taako, there's someone-"

"Taako." As Angus peered out from behind Taako's legs, he saw Kravitz smile up at him, and - even stranger - Taako  _smiled back_.  It was subtle, definitely, but unmistakable, and Angus looked between the two of them, wide-eyed. "I think there may have been a misunderstanding here." He looked towards Angus again, sheepish. "Your boy here thinks I'm here to take him away."

"Depends. Ango, have you been raising the dead again?"

"I never raised the dead to start with, sir! I'm only level two!" What was _that_  about?

Taako's tail nudged Angus out from his nice safe hiding spot. "Then you're fine. Kravitz, Ango. Agnes, Kravitz. He's cool, he's with me."

"You know him, sir?" Angus eyed Kravitz nervously. Kravitz waved awkwardly.

"Uh,  _yeah_  I do. He's my boyfriend."

Angus stared up at Taako, eyes wide, but he wasn't looking at Angus. He was looking at Kravitz, expression hard to read, but - Angus believed him. After a moment, Angus took a deep breath and another step away from the now-dubious shelter of Taako's legs. "Okay. Then I, um. I'm sorry about yelling at you. Or, well, I'm not, that wasn't a great way to introduce yourself, but I maybe should be?"

"It's quite alright, I hear that sequence of words a lot in my line of work." Kravitz smiled at him, still a little nervous.

"Line of work?"

"He's Death." Taako was inspecting his nails, but Angus, peeking out of the corner of his eye, could see Taako watching him intently, and just a little bit nervously.

"You make it sound so dramatic, dear. The Grim Reaper is really a more accurate title." Kravitz smiled at Taako, then looked back at Angus. "I was telling the truth about being a bounty hunter - it's just, I'm in the service of the Raven Queen, not an ordinary legal system, and I'm only concerned with things that upset the balance of life and death. Whatever your parents might have offered, I wouldn't have been interested - and I certainly wouldn't have come here to take you away from Taako and his family."

"Oh. Well, I appreciate that, sir, thank you." Angus adjusted his glasses - at least death was friendly. "Okay, now for the really important questions - you have a  _boyfriend_?!" He rounded on Taako.

"Geez, you sound surprised."

Angus crossed his arms, unimpressed. "You're a giant magic cryptid and you live in the scariest place on the whole  _planet._ "

"Technically," Kravitz put in, "that's not a concern for me, given that I'm already dead. My body is just a construct that I can reform when it's damaged."

Angus looked at him.

"...I think that sounded less weird in my head."

"...It's okay, sir. I understand what you're getting at. But Taako-"Angus stomped his foot, "why didn't anyone  _tell_  me? I've been living here for a year now and nobody ever mentioned your boyfriend?" Then his eyes widened. "Wait, is he a secret? Is that why nobody told me? Do I have to keep your boyfriend secret now?"

"Nobody told you because you never asked, Agnes."

"It's still important information! I've lived with you for a year!"

"He was away on business, you weren't gonna  _meet_  him yet. And if you'd ever come running home screaming about how a tiny evil skeleton was chasing you, someone would've told you there was nothing to worry about."

" _Tiny_?"

"Babe, have you _seen_  my brother-in-law?"

"He's not a good baseline." Kravitz frowned, crossing his arms.

"Look at it this way, now that Ango's here, you're not the shortest in the family anymore." Taako grinned.

"I was average height for my era!" Kravitz looked ready to keep going, an old argument revived yet again, when Angus' giggles drew both their attention. Looking up at them, Angus smiled.

"I think I can see why you and Taako like each other, sir." He fixed his glasses again, this time just for effect rather than any real need, and stood up straight. "Well, I guess this is okay. I'm sure Lup's already told you all about how you'd better be a good boyfriend to him or else, so I'm not going to get into that, but I'd just like you to know that I got all four members of my birth family sent to prison with a week's worth of work, so I'd be happy to help her if she ever needed it." He stepped forward and held out a hand. "That said - it's very nice to meet you, sir. Even if Taako didn't tell me anything about you existing until I tripped on you." Angus gave Taako a reproachful look. Taako just shrugged.

Kravitz paused, then shook his hand. "Well, it's a pleasure to finally meet you too, Angus. I've heard so much about you." He shot Taako a mischievous grin before continuing. "Taako's told me all about you, you know - he's very attached to you-"

"Oops, look at that my tail developed a mind of its own and is now strangling my boyfriend. What a tragedy-"

"Sir!"

Kravitz pulled free of Taako's grip. "It's all right, Angus. I don't actually need to breathe."

"Oh. Okay." Angus nodded. "That makes sense. And yes, I know he is. Taako was so mad at me when I came home after I ran away, I knew he cares about me."

"Ugh, just tell everyone, why don't you?"

Angus gave Taako a soulful look and put his hand to his forehead dramatically. "It just means  _so much_  to me, sir-"

"Oh my  _god_  I'm going to strangle you next."

"He certainly picks things up quickly, doesn't he?" Kravitz laughed. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's not like I'm gonna pick a  _shitty_  student."

"Of course." Kravitz glanced down at Angus and winked. Angus grinned back. "So, are we escorting Angus home, then?"

"Ugh, no, I don't want to waste a good day taking the kid back to camp. And Dav'll yell at me if I ditch him on purpose-"

"I would definitely snitch if you did."

"-so I guess he's coming with us."

Angus silently fistpumped. Taako glared.

"Watch it, kid, or I might dump you in the lake. Feed you to Magnus' weird wrestlebuddy."

"Why are we going to the lake?"

"It was going to be a romantic fishing trip, but now you're third-wheeling, so so much for that idea."

"Fishing sounds fun. I've never been."

"It  _is_  a classic bonding experience between-"

"Aaaaaand you're done," Taako announced, tail curling around again and stopping just short of mock-strangling Kravitz again as he laughed, uncovering small fangs that intrigued Angus, who wondered if it was a reaper thing or an old-timey elf thing or something else entirely. He fell in next to Kravitz, Taako on Kravitz's other side and pretending he wasn't watching as Angus trotted along asking his boyfriend questions about being a reaper.

"So you just magically know where all your bounties are?"

"Well, not exactly. The low-level ones, sure, but the high-paying bounties know how to shield themselves from detection. So it needs a little-"

"-Detective work!" Angus lit up.

"Oh, here we go." Taako sighed loudly. "You got him started." Angus, thinking of his birthday present, stuck his tongue out at Taako. Kravitz snorted, a smile threatening at his lips.

"As a matter of fact, yes, that's exactly correct-"

"Krav, come on, the kid is already too smart for his own good, any more compliments and his ego is gonna fly away with him."

"I'll call Lup to come get me, then," Angus put in. "And then she'll never let you live it down that she saved me and you didn't."

Taako exchanged looks with Kravitz. "See? See what I mean?"

"I do." Kravitz patted Angus' head a little awkwardly, but Angus wouldn't hold it against him. "I can see why you're so attached to him."

Angus beamed and Taako groaned.

"Babe, isn't it bad enough the kid's tagging along on date night without doing this?"

"Maybe you should've introduced us before date night, then." Kravitz chuckled and Angus grinned up at Taako, who threw his hands up with a groan.

"Fuck, fine, gang up on me, why don't you. I'm going to leave you both here."

"We'll go fishing without you then."

"I'll teach him how."

"Like hell, you are not pushing in on my turf! Hey Ango, ask him about his 'work accent-'"

\---

Angus was in his treasure chest, reading one of his textbooks(annotated  _very_ thoroughly by Lucretia, who made a point to keep up with history now that they'd developed a few connections to the outside world) when he heard the tearing noise that heralded Kravitz' arrival. It took some wiggling around in the blankets before he could sit up enough to look out into the piles of stuff Taako hoarded. Angus was pretty sure he'd seen a half-eaten peanut butter cup under the bed once.

Kravitz was just floating up onto the nightstand when Angus leaned over the side of the chest. "Oh! Hello, Angus. How are you?"

"I'm good, sir. Just studying." He held up the book to illustrate. "And it was Taako's turn to scare off an adventuring party. Merle said they seemed pretty high-level so he might be a while."

"Oh. Well, that happens sometimes, thank you for letting me know. Do you mind if I wait here for him, then?"

Angus frowned. "It's Taako's house, sir, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"Well, yes, but it's your house too, really. I don't want to put you out in what's kind of your own home."

Angus smiled. "Well, thank you for the concern, sir, but it's fine. I appreciate you asking, though."

"It's no problem. So, studying, hm? That's, uh, very diligent of you." Kravitz stepped onto the wood and came over to stand by Angus. "History?"

"Yes, sir - oh! You know, you lived a really long time ago, right? Can you tell me about what living history then was like?"

Kravitz looked sheepish. "Well, to be honest with you, I mostly remember the broad strokes, and the personal stuff. Besides, it's not like I knew what was history and what wasn't. Just like you don't know, now." He paused. "...Do you actually know much about current events, living here?"

"Oh, Carey and Killian and No-3113 keep me informed! If I'm going to be a detective when I grow up, I can't have a big gap in my world knowledge like that."

"That's very true." Kravitz sat down, leaning back against the chest, and Angus propped his elbows on the edge to be more or less on eye level with him.

"...If you don't have much to say about living history, can I ask you something else?"

"Of course."

"Taako told me the story about asking you out even though you'd just been trying to kill him for the bounty. How come you said yes?"

Kravitz blinked, then laughed a little. "You don't pull any punches, do you Angus?"

"Nope. Have you  _seen_ who I live with?"

"That's a very fair point." Kravitz smiled wryly. "Well, Angus, it's true that it was, uh, a weird decision, but the whole situation was weird, so it didn't really stand out to me at the time. I'd already spent months possessing monsters and golems trying to collect the group's bounties - it would've put me at the top of the list for years, maybe even decades."

"The list?"

"It's, uh, kind of unofficial rankings. ...Mostly unofficial. We think. I have a theory about the Queen paying attention to them, but, that's not really relevant right now. It's just something to help the centuries of boring bounties go by, that's all you need to know. Anyway, I was so frustrated and so  _confused_  by what was going on with them that when I confronted Taako and he responded by flirting that at that point I basically just threw up my hands and gave up making any sense of it because I'd never dealt with bounties like this before. I just wanted to know what the hell was happening - uh-"

"You can swear, it's fine."

"Oh, good. So I was curious enough to listen to him when he offered an explanation, and it fit pretty well with some weird stuff that had happened a hundred years ago, and when I was sent back to tell them they were officially pardoned, I guess...okay, look, I'm not going to lie to you, Angus, Taako had already proven himself a very intriguing man and also a very attractive one-"

"-gross-"

"-and I was interested." Kravitz laughed. "So, I said yes. And fighting necromancers was actually a pretty solid way to bond - although I don't recommend it as a first date."

"I see." Angus nodded. Then he leaned forward. "...Have you talked about getting married?"

"Angus!"

"I'm only a little boy, you're not allowed to be mad at me."

"Gods, no points for guessing who's raising you, huh?" Kravitz ruffled Angus' hair and he giggled. "No, we haven't talked about it yet."

"...Have you thought about it?" Angus whispered conspiratorially.

"Did Taako put you up to this?"

"No, I'm just detecting."

"Being nosy, more like."

"They're kind of the same thing."

Kravitz tilted his head back to stare up at the ceiling. "...Promise not to tell?"

"Cross my heart." Angus leaned even closer. "That means you have, doesn't it?"

"It means I have. Don't tell him."

"I won't. But, you know, I'd be a really good ringbearer." Angus gave him a guileless look.

Kravitz snorted. "As much as I appreciate the sentiment, Angus - don't help." But he was smiling while he said it, so Angus grinned back.

Taako wandered back into the room an hour or so later to find the two of them with their heads over a notebook. "Hey! Are we scheming? Love scheming."

Angus' head popped up. "Hello, sir! We're plotting, actually!"

"Nice. Against who?" Taako plopped down on the bed.

"Nobody! Lucretia suggested I try to write some stories of my own so Kravitz is helping me!" Angus closed the notebook. "Mysteries are hard, but they're easier when you have someone to help make them make sense."

"I'm surrounded by nerds." Taako stretched out, catlike, and Kravitz floated off the nightstand and onto the bed next to him, legs dangling off the side. "It's okay though. I'm cool enough for all three of us."

"Of course you are, dear." Kravitz patted his shoulder. "We appreciate it." He leaned back against the shoulder, and Taako's eyes half-closed, ears twitching occasionally in Kravitz' direction.

Angus nodded seriously, turning to lie down on his back, head hanging over the side of the chest as he watched them. "Do I need to go ask to sleep over with Magnus?" he asked innocently.

Taako sat up to glare at him, leaving Kravitz to tip over backwards with a quiet grunt on impact. "I will turn all your hats into ketchup." Angus giggled and Taako reached over, pushing his head back into the chest before closing the lid on him.

"I didn't do anything!" he protested, pushing the lid open again. His indignation was ruined by more giggles.

"You're a pain in the ass, Agnes. That's what you did."

Kravitz met Angus' eyes and smiled. Then he cleared his throat. "Angus, why don't you show Taako what you've written so far? I'm sure he'll have some feedback for you."

Angus perked up, nodding. He clambered out of his bed and snatched up the journal, making the jump over to the bed and sitting down by Taako to open it and start reading. "So, I was kind of stuck on what should be the first line so I just kind of skipped it and started with 'Adam heard a huge crash and then knocked on the door...'"

It was a few hours later when Angus was woken up by his shoes being taken off. He kept his eyes closed, feeling Taako carefully lower him into his bed, and shifted just a little to snuggle more comfortably into the nest of blankets. The light behind his closed eyelids dimmed and vanished, and Angus heard rustling for a moment, and then a content sigh, and a murmur from Kravitz of "That's better." Angus drifted off again, just as content, and far more tired. When he woke up again, it was still dark, and Angus could just see the faint glow of Taako's eyes - he was still awake. Already awake? Angus wasn't sure how long he'd been sleeping. Curiosity overcoming him, Angus ducked under the blankets and whispered the incantation for Darkvision as quietly as he could, then peeked over the rim of the chest to see.

Kravitz was lying back on Taako's chest, looking for all the world like he'd been made to fit there. One of Taako's hands was curled over him, holding him carefully, and the other rested where Kravitz could lay his own hand on it. Both of their eyes were closed, and he would've thought they were asleep except for how Taako's tail swished contentedly.

"You awake, Krav?"

"I don't sleep."

"That was a lie seventy years ago."

"I'm awake."

"Better." Taako's fingers curled a little tighter.

"Did you need something?"

"Just - thinking, I guess." Taako was quiet for a minute. Kravitz said nothing. "You're okay with kids."

Kravitz sat up, Taako's hand sliding down to rest across his lap like a blanket as he turned to regard Taako. "I mean, I wouldn't say I'm an expert, but I like them. I had to learn to be good with them, for - work."

Angus saw the shiver run through Taako before he nodded. "Yeah, sure. Makes sense."

Kravitz looked at him for a second, then lay back down. "Angus is easy to get along with."

"Who said anything about him?" Kravitz gave Taako a look and Taako paused. "...You think we're doing okay with him?"

"I think I'm not the best person to ask about that - but, yes, I think you're taking good care of him. I can't imagine a safer home for him."

"Babe, he lives in a forest of nightmares with seven complete fucking goons, we are literally the least safe place for a kid."

"Well, yes, but you have to admit - you love him, and you'd all do whatever you need to in order to protect him. You're the one who told me about Merle modifying the wards, and how you all reacted when he ran away. That's something. That's important. Especially with what you told me about his home life before you all."

"Yeah, but - look, this is - this is a weird way to raise a kid, right? How's he supposed to turn out a normal person when this is his life?"

"Maybe he doesn't need to be. You're not normal, but I'd never trade this Taako for the elf you could have been, no matter how much I would've loved him." Kravitz shifted onto his side, resting his head on Taako's chest. "You're good family to him, whether you know it or not. He obviously adores you. You'll be fine, and so will he, babe."

"I guess."

"It's true. You were right, you know, he is a good kid."

"Yeah. ...Quit telling him I said that, he'll turn out like me."

"I kind of like how you turned out." Kravitz tipped his head up to kiss Taako's jaw, smiling at Taako's expression, and settled more comfortably against him, laying his head back down. "Love you."

"Love you too."

In his chest, Angus snuggled down a little more, closed his eyes, and smiled himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I maybe lied a little. In my defense this chapter was hard for different reasons than the last one. But it's done! This was a _lot_ of Taako and Kravitz practice, so that was interesting, and mildly stressful. Why are Justin's speech patterns so hard to mimic.


End file.
